Meltdown!!

I had a pretty big work meltdown the Friday before the big inauguration. It is a long story, but the result was me feeling phenomenally depressed about my job and moving across the country to do a job that is different than the one I thought I was being hired to do. That, and the job they have me doing has the tendency to be really stressful and unpleasant because the client agency and its attorneys will not cooperate with us, we have truly difficult opposing counsel, and we have a hostile judge who wants to micromanage all aspects of the case. So -- every court appearance and court deadline has the potential to put us in a really bad position and leave us with potentially adverse precdents as a result. I had some long talks with my management about it all and they soothed some, but definitely not all, of my concerns. At least now I am not as depressed about it all and have been getting some sleep again.

The worst of it is that it all came to a head right when I was the most homesick. I really miss friends in Olympia and Steilacoom and feel bad that Ben and Annie can't play with their old dog park buddies anymore. For the first time I understood what it meant to miss something so much it physically hurt. And, it all got me thinking (a very dangerous thing!!!). I keep coming back to the fact that I have long had a tendency to emphasize work over personal friendships and relationships. I know that I have always had this tendency, but this really put it all in a new perspective - I put work over all else to move to Washington, and only now really realize what I left behind. I think I took friendships for granted, and this has made me realize how important relationships are in life, and if I had only spent the emotional energy on them that I wasted on work all this time, I wouldn't have minded the ups and downs at work so much. I let myself fill my time and brain and emotions with work and work issues, instead of putting something more pleasent -- like friends -- in there. It's all a really good lesson for me -- one that came at a slightly higher cost than maybe was necessary to get the point across, but ah well . . . I think I have always had a flair for doing things the hard way. Man, am I ready to choose easier ways to get through life instead!!

And as I have done several times now, when I am having "life doubts," I re-read Eat Pray Love. I so appreciate reading how this wonderful woman came from the absolute depths of soul-crushing despair to find peace, balance and happiness in her life. Granted, I think it is a little easier to engage in that quest for balance and happiness (and have it be a successful quest) when someone is paying you to travel to Italy, India and Bali to find your bliss. I wonder how her quest would have gone if she had to stay in her old apartment and just work things out . . . the book would not have been as good a read, that's for sure . . .

SO -- I am looking for a job back home, or looking to get DOJ to transfer me to Seattle. I realized after some hard thought that I really need to sell my Olympia house to have the financial freedom to come back. Right now, I have too much debt from the remodeling, the flood, and the move. It would be too hard to come back to my my house and have that debt to pay off in addition to other bills. If I sell my house, I can pay off the debt and still have a good solid down payment on a house in Oly, which I can buy virtually debt free. That gives me the freedom to find a job that may not pay as much, but may be more enjoyable. Plus, I can get a house that better suits me and Ben and Annie -- with less space inside, a more open floor plan, and a bigger outside for Ben and Annie. I just need to have some patience to try to stay tight and make some money here and light a few candles at the local church for a quick sale of my Olympia house! Unfortunately, patience has never really been one of my virtues -- when I see a problem that I want to solve, I want to solve it right away. If only I could travel to an Ashram in India to learn more patience . . . I will keep buying lottery tickets -- the best way I can think of to fund my soul-searching world tour!

Luckily the weather has been clear and sunny, which always helps my outlook on life! Tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny and 50, so I will put the iPod in my jersey pocket and hit the road for a long ride . . .